Cosmic conspiracies

Was Jesus a space alien? Is the moon the secret base of the mysterious illuminati? Are shape-shifting lizards in control of the world? What exactly is planet 'x'?
Do freemasons eat babies and why?

PART TWO of Astral Conversations—an unusual series of investigations into the occult with a humorous twist.


Those two colourful occult students, Bombast and Flitterflop, whom we first encountered via the astral telegraph embroiled in a polemic about the Masters, may have the answers to these burning questions, and many more, or perhaps not . . .

BOMBAST: "New Age types suck up these conspiracy theories like manna from heaven, almost as if they were a religion. Next you'll be telling me that Jesus was a space alien from planet x!"

FLITTERFLOP: "How did you know that? It's supposed to be secret!"

BOMBAST: "For the same reason I know that fish don't ride bicycles. Because it's complete poppycock. You do know that the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is fiction don't you? Mice are emphatically not the protrusion into our dimension of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional aliens."

FLITTERFLOP: "This is completely different. I've heard that Jesus was a genetically-engineered human-alien hybrid sent to Earth to teach humanity certain important lessons."

BOMBAST: "From whom? It wouldn't be coming from some New Age numpty high on ayahuasca by any chance, would it?"

FLITTERFLOP (indignantly): "No it would not! I'm talking about solid evidence from the Bible. Like the virgin birth and miraculous star that appeared before Jesus was born. Virgin births are impossible you know."

BOMBAST (flippantly): "Not according to the newspapers. They report that one in 200 American mums swear blind they became pregnant without having sex."

FLITTERFLOP (peevishly): "You're trivialising this, as you always do when I'm trying to have a serious discussion."

BOMBAST: "OK, convince me Jesus was a shape-shifting lizard from planet x."

FLITTERFLOP: "Did I mention lizards? Why bring lizards into this?"

BOMBAST: "Because I'm pretty sure they'll appear soon enough in your fairy-tale."

FLITTERFLOP: "Look, are you willing to consider the evidence or not?"

BOMBAST: "I haven't heard any yet."

FLITTERFLOP: "Can't you at least admit the possibility that the virgin birth was an alien intervention and that Jesus was an extraterrestrial?"

BOMBAST: "Why would I want to, when the truth is so much simpler and more believable than this nonsensical New Age fairy-tale?"

FLITTERFLOP (intrigued despite his annoyance): "What truth?"

BOMBAST: "All in good time my young barmpot. Let's hear your 'solid evidence' first."

FLITTERFLOP: "If angels are ET's——"

BOMBAST: "——then I'm a hobbit."

FLITTERFLOP: "Look! Will you let me finish? If angels were ET's, they could have visited Mary in what she thought was a dream. Then they artificially inseminated her with genetically engineered sperm. The chief alien was Gabriel, which accounts for Jesus' superhuman powers."

BOMBAST: "And the mysterious star in the east?"

FLITTERFLOP: "The aliens' spacecraft. The star has never been identified. We know it wasn't a meteor or a comet as they move and the star was stationary."

BOMBAST (sarcastically): "How silly of me not to have thought of that. Is that it?"

FLITTERFLOP: "Oh no, there's much more!"

BOMBAST: "I was afraid there might be. Out with it then before I expire of suspended disbelief syndrome."

FLITTERFLOP (warming to his theme): "There are many passages in the Bible that prove Jesus was an ET."

BOMBAST: "Such as?"

FLITTERFLOP: "The Gospel of John, chapter 8, verse 23: 'And he said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I am from above: ye are of this world; I am not of this world."

BOMBAST: "Has it occurred to you that it might have another meaning?"

FLITTERFLOP (defensively): "Such as?"

BOMBAST: "Have you learned nothing from the books I lent you?"

FLITTERFLOP: "Which books?"

BOMBAST: "The Secret Doctrine, for one."

FLITTERFLOP (shamefacedly): "Oh's a bit big you know....the language is very old-fashioned.....I tried to get into it...but——"

BOMBAST: "——Found more exciting stuff to watch on YouTube about alien conspiracies? Well, if you had read even the first few chapters you would know that there are higher and lower planes around this earth. They're not different planets inhabited by space aliens. They're different dimensions of our own earth filled with discarnate human beings. Quite a lot of them are just as dim as you, whilst others are so advanced in spirituality and wisdom that those who have seen and met them regard them as gods. When Jesus said he came from 'above', he was stating the simple fact that he came to earth from a higher plane whilst the great mass of humanity come from lower ones, in some cases, very low indeed..."

FLITTERFLOP: "Do you mean me?"

BOMBAST: "If the cap fits..."

FLITTERFLOP: "It doesn't. So if Jesus wasn't a space alien, what was he?"

BOMBAST: "Prepare yourself for a shock. He was a man like you and I, well, more like me, really."

FLITTERFLOP: "Now who's telling fairy-tales?"

BOMBAST: "Not me, my young merry-andrew. I said like you and I, not the SAME as you and I. If you're going to quote the apostle John to support these fantasies, you should take a look at chapter 12 where it says: 'He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do.' Unless you're telling me that belief is sufficient to transform us all into aliens, it seems pretty clear that Jesus was saying that any man or woman could acquire his powers through their own efforts. The Secret Doctrine says the same...if you ever get around to reading it."

FLITTERFLOP: "Well, when you put it like that..."

BOMBAST: "I do. The Virgin birth is simply an allegory symbolising the purity of Jesus. Every saviour was born of a virgin. Mithras in Babylonia, Dionysus in Greece, Adonis in Rome, Krishna in India."

FLITTERFLOP: "And the star in the east?"

BOMBAST: "A symbol of spiritual light. The problem with these New Age ninnies is that they will insist on taking the Bible literally, when it is clear to any thinking person that it is mostly allegorical and symbolical."


BOMBAST: "Genesis is a pretty good place to start. In the 2nd century the Christian theologian Origen wrote: 'What man is found such an idiot as to suppose that God planted trees in Paradise like a common gardener? I believe that every man must hold these things for images, under which the hidden sense lies concealed.' Origen also said that the Bible had three levels of meaning, corresponding to the 'flesh', the 'soul' and the 'spirit'. In other words, the literal, the hidden and the purely spiritual, known only to very few Initiates. If Origen knew this nearly 2,000 years ago there really is no excuse for continuing to believe that the earth was literally made in six days and that a tasty apple and an alien lizard—sorry, terrestrial snake—were the reason God kicked Adam and Eve out of paradise."

FLITTERFLOP: "So all these theories about Jesus being a space alien are just stuff and nonsense?"

BOMBAST: "Not entirely. In a way one could regard Jesus as an alien who came from space, but not in the way the conspiracy lunatics think. We are all 'aliens' in the sense that we are spiritual beings immured in a physical body on this planet and our home is in the stars, as many great poets and mystics tell us. You can read all about this in The Golden Star, which, by the way, is a lot shorter than The Secret Doctrine, so even you shouldn't find it too arduous."

FLIPPERFLOP: "Point taken. So what about the moon? Is it a secret base for the illuminati or not?"

BOMBAST: "Only if they live on cheese."

FLITTERFLOP: "I asked a serious question."

BOMBAST: "No you didn't. You're regurgitating the claptrap you watch on YouTube, without giving a moment's critical thought to what you're told. Like the silly conspiracy theory that NASA haven't returned to the moon since 1972 because they don't want the public to know about the alien base there."

FLITTERFLOP: "Why is that silly?"

BOMBAST: "Because the truth is so much simpler and more believable."

FLITTERFLOP: "Which is?"

BOMBAST: "Money. Had you done a little research you would have discovered that it's cost the American taxpayer the best part of 25 Billion dollars to pay for NASA's jaunts to the moon. Current estimates are that a return trip would cost more than 100 billion dollars. That's a sixth of the United States defence budget for 2013."

FLITTERFLOP: "So where do these conspiracy theories about the illuminati and their moon base come from?"

BOMBAST: "Good question. The alien moon base nonsense began in the 1960's after George Adamski published his sensationalist books about UFOs. He was followed by writers like Erich von Däniken who amassed a fortune of 20 million pounds from his fantasies about space aliens. Not bad for a Swiss bartender repeatedly convicted of fraud and embezzlement!"

FLITTERFLOP: "What about Zecharia Sitchin and his theories about the Anunnaki and Nibiru?"

BOMBAST: "I'm afraid Sitchin is just another scribbler of fantasies, gleaned from his misreading and misinterpretation of various Sumerian and Babylonian creation myths. Like the Bible, these have a hidden, allegorical meaning and were never intended to be taken literally. But you don't need to take my word for this. The Sumerian texts Sitchin studied—or perhaps 'speed-read' would be a better word—are all available online in English translation for anyone to look at if they wish. Most won't bother, it's so much easier to swallow the fantasies of conspiracy theorists without a second thought. Sitchin also made a tidy pile from peddling his nonsensical fairy-tales to the unthinking and credulous. Since his death in 2010, the fantasies have got even wilder as more and more people climb onto the lucrative bandwagon von Däniken rode to fame and riches on. Now the money and kudos is in promoting the fantasy that alien shape-shifting lizards control the earth."

FLITTERFLOP: "Ah—money and fame. Now I'm getting it."

BOMBAST: "I thought you would eventually."

FLITTERFLOP: "So who or what started the whole reptilian shape-shifting conspiracy?"

BOMBAST: "Take your pick. American comic books featured lizard-men and aliens as early as the 1920s and 30s. Science-fiction writers like H. P. Lovecraft capitalised on the idea and spread it abroad. Serpents and dragons are mentioned more than a hundred times in the Bible. Fantasists have misappropriated these allegorical symbols to lend credence to their crackpot theories. H. P. Blavatsky wrote about the 'serpents of wisdom' that reigned over Lemuria and Atlantis in The Secret Doctrine. But her 'serpents', like those mentioned in the Bible, were not actual reptiles, let alone reptilian shape-shifting aliens, but simply symbols intended to illustrate certain occult laws, principles and natural phenomena."

FLITTERFLOP: "Why was the serpent chosen to represent wisdom?"

BOMBAST: "For many good reasons. For example, a snake sheds its skin in a way which has a close analogy with the process of initiation into the occult mysteries. Before shedding begins the snake becomes physically inactive. Then it loses its sight, or at least its vision is impaired. Do you see the parallels?"

FLITTERFLOP: "I think so. Physical inactivity could correspond with meditation and loss of sight with becoming blind to material things."

BOMBAST: "Well said. But there's more. The old skin is shed from the head downwards."

FLITTERFLOP: "Purifying our thinking?"

BOMBAST (impressed): "Exactly. Snakes shed their skin because it does not grow with them as it does with us, so in order to continue to grow, they discard it. In the same way, the occult student needs to discard the 'body' of his preconceptions and fantasies if he is to grow in understanding and wisdom. When the wise initiates of the past observed a snake in the painful throws of sloughing its skin, they saw in the phenomenon an allegory of the spirit issuing from the physical body, and adopted it as a symbol of transformation, resurrection and emancipation."

FLITTERFLOP: "I'd never thought of it like that before. It makes a lot more sense than the crazy theories of lizards controlling the world from inside a hollow earth."

BOMBAST: "I'm glad to hear it. The trouble is that millions continue to believe in these mad fantasies and always will. It's the same with the fairy-tales that planet 'x', or nibiru, or whatever it's called this week, is going to collide with the earth and blow us all to kingdom come."

FLITTERFLOP: "So there is no planet 'x'?"

BOMBAST: "There may be. There may even be a whole alphabet of planets beyond the range of our present instruments, but there is no evidence that any of them are heading our way, or that they're inhabited by reptilians. The planet 'x' Nibiru fantasy was taken from Zecharia Sitchin's books by Nancy Lieder, an American psychic who believes she was abducted by aliens. Her mad fantasies have since been embroidered by a collection of even less plausible doomsday prophets who continue to spread them all over the Internet and write lurid books about them. Lieder predicted Nibiru would approach the earth in May 2003. When that didn't happen, the cunning prophetess announced that she'd chosen that date to bamboozle the establishment. Presumably she meant NASA, but who can say what goes on in such minds? Sitchin himself continually denied any connection between his work and Lieder's predictions right up to his death in 2010. In 2012, one scientist said that he hoped the continual non-arrival of Nibiru would 'encourage rational thought and baloney detection.' I could have told him not to waste his breath. The credulity of mankind knows no bounds and the crazier the fantasy the more the unthinking suck it up like manna from heaven."

FLITTERFLOP (softly): "Why ever did I believe such nonsense?"

BOMBAST: "Is that a rhetorical question?"

FLITTERFLOP: "I'm not sure—perhaps."

BOMBAST: "Because you wanted to?"

FLITTERFLOP: "How do you mean?"

BOMBAST: "Because for many people make-believe is more thrilling and satisfying than real life. And, of course, it's so much easier to lay the blame for all the world's ills on extraterrestrial shape-shifting lizards, the so-called 'illuminati', a global conspiracy of Zionist financiers, or baby-eating freemasons. It avoids the uncomfortable truth that humanity, both individually and collectively, are to blame for the state the world is in, and absolves us of any personal responsibility to do anything about it."

FLITTERFLOP: "Freemasons don't really eat babies, do they?"

BOMBAST: "I should think it most unlikely. Wouldn't it be simpler to pop out to Tesco for a couple of pork chops?"

FLITTERFLOP: "That reminds me of a very strange dream in which you and I were———"

At this point the astral telegraph developed a 'technical fault', or possibly we just woke up. In any event, we heard no more. Perhaps this is just as well for there is a limit to our patience, though not it seems to the credulity and foolishness of the unthinking. Whether Bombast and Flitterflop have now escaped that category of seekers we may discover if we hear from them again. Meanwhile, we wish them and our readers every success in their search for Truth.


You can find a complete list and brief descriptions of all the conversation between these two colourful occult students on the introductory page to these Astral conversations. Although these conversations can be read on their own, they are best read in chronological sequence as they form an ascending scale of revelation.

© Copyright Article added 29 January 2016. Updated 25 November 2017.

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